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Individuation,
Assertiveness and
Conflicts
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When Individual Differences and Assertive Behavior Are
Healthy
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Pamela Levin, R.N.,
T.S.T.A.
Pamela Levin is an R.N. and a Teaching and Supervising Transactional Analyst with 600+
postgraduate hours in clinical nutrition, herbology and applied kinesiology. In private practice 48
years, she has seen first-hand the commonalities between the emotional tasks of
infants and children and those of adults. She teaches her award-winning work on the process of healthy
emotional development throughout life in
Emotional Development
101. [your affiliate link to
ed101]
Individuation, assertiveness and
conflicts can be healthy when they are born of a need to grow. As adults, we need to assert individual differences
and individual rights as part of our individuation process, just as a two-year-old children need to
do.
When we push and test to discover limits and exercise our
ability to say no during external conflicts, we are not creating dysfunctional conflict. Rather we are giving birth
to ourselves as more independent and, powerful.
But that process, so normal and natural to two year olds, can be uncertain. Each time
we need to assert our individual rights we face dealing with conflict. But being assertive is central to becoming
more independent and thinking for ourselves.
When we become acutely aware of issues involving resistance, compliance and
rebellion, as well as contrariness and control, assertive behavior is the next step.
Here’s how one woman put it, “I know I need to become more independent because I’m
repeatedly finding things wrong. “ At age 54, she was discovering that her need to be more independent meant
reclaiming territory others had tried to take away.
And the first people to notice her new-found assertiveness were her family members –
her husband and children. “I’d been thinking so much about them and their needs that I hadn’t left any time to
think about me,” she said. “Eventually I started getting really angry and we were pushing each other emotionally.
Still I think they’re happy I’m learning to say no.
Later as she gained more confidence in her independence, she took on the authorities
at work about a company policy. The higher-ups didn’t like it at first, but eventually they ended up thanking her,
because her willingness to hang in there and maintain her position in the face of their opposition saved the
company a huge lawsuit.
Developing new levels of healthy autonomy is not always a comfortable process, and
one that’s often not supported by cultures, especially authoritarian ones who operate to pressure individuals into
accepting limitations on their personal power. If we accept that, however, we
enter a destructive process in which we lose our dreams our hope and become dispirited.
Urges toward independence, when thwarted and held within, can also produce massive
stress and lead to a variety of physical illnesses. Compared to those negative outcomes, facing a little discomfort
during conflicts is not a big price to pay.
How can we handle the process of individuation so it
results in victory rather than disaster? This aspect of life is so important that we devote an entire class to it
in the Emotional Development 101, starting as soon as you register. Click this link to view the outline
and further details.
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link]
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